“I can’t look people in the eye,” he whispers.
As I glance around at the kids in my group they all nod their heads in agreement, faces pointed down, hands covering their mouths.
I’m in a cafeteria with 70 people speaking on creating better self-awareness and building your own confidence and self-esteem. We’ve broken up into small groups and are answering the question, “what are two weaknesses you want to change, and two strengths you like about yourself?”
These middle and high school students live in the dorms during the week and return home on the weekends. Many are the Amerindian people whose indigenous tribes sprawl throughout the Guyana forests. Some have a 2 hour boat ride along the river to return home, others travel up to 12 hours every weekend to see their families.
“Look at me,” my squad leader Destiny says as we sit together the morning after my presentation. We’re on a bench overlooking the river my team took to Bartica just the week before. I pick at the grass on the ground in front of me and try to hide my eyes, heavy with tears. I lift my head to meet her unyielding gaze.
Addressing the audience as a whole I ask, “did anyone notice how much easier it is to name your weaknesses rather than your strengths?” I hear several voices murmur in hushed tones, “yes.” I try to look at each person as I continue encouraging them to own their gifts, whatever they may be, and to never let fear of failure stop them from trying new things. The biggest mistake they could ever make, is NOT trying something. I share that I’ve never regretted a failure, but there are many things I wanted to do and didn’t because I was afraid, and I missed out on some once in a lifetime opportunities.
Although it’s early morning, the sun is bright and the heat is relentless. I shuffle my feet in the dirt trying to wrap my mind around everything we’ve talked about. “God doesn’t need to build anything in you to create a leader,” she says to me, “He just needs to peel back the layers to reveal what’s there. It’s already in you.”
Looking around the cafeteria I realize they don’t know how precious they are. They don’t know they are worth more than all the gold in the world. That when they smile their faces light up with more beauty than I’ve ever seen before.
I tell them it’s ok to be different. It’s ok to be quiet, to enjoy reading, to be bad at sports, to laugh loudly, to want to be a flight attendant, doctor, or even a missionary. I tell them to never let anyone decide who they become. THEY hold that power. The power to decide who they are, to determine how they see things. They aren’t products of their past, and they have the ability to control how others make them feel.
As I share my own weaknesses, strengths, and how my struggles began to turn into successes these students start to see that I am just like them. I have things I don’t like about myself, things I want to change. They hear that I’ve overcome challenges, and they can too. It was incredible to see the wheels begin to turn in their minds, to see them grasp the idea of taking ownership of their attitudes. To empower them to dream something impossible and fight for that dream, never letting anyone tell them they can’t achieve it.
“You ARE a leader”, she says to me as we sit together in the park, “not because of anything you’ve done, but because of who you are…it would be a privilege to follow you.”
By the end of my session there were hugs all around, group pictures, impromptu singing and lots of laughing. The students had these contagious smiles on their faces as they said goodbye to us, walking us all the way to the gate by the road…but none matched the huge grin I felt lighting up my own expression.
How appropriate that God would use a seminar on self-awareness to empower me in my own life. As I look at these kids, wanting to be seen and acknowledged, wanting to feel special and important…I saw myself. The me that I was, that I used to be.
But I’m not a product of my past and I’m not that girl anymore. I see how far I’ve come and I see how God can use me in powerful ways I never imagined possible.
And to the Bartician kids who can’t look people in the eyes…
Take your hand away from your mouth, I want to hear you.
Lift your head up and look at me, I want to see you.
Tell me about your likes and your hobbies, I want to know you.
Because YOU are worth knowing.
It’s a good lesson for all of us, owning who God created us to be. As I uncover more of how God has made me, I have been so humbled by the incredible opportunity to act as Team Leader next month! Our current leader Chelsea is stepping down so that I can be further discipled with these new responsibilities. I am beyond excited to press into this challenge and to better understand the me that God has designed, the me that is waiting to be revealed.
On the way out of the cafeteria, my heart skips a beat as that precious boy, the one who struggles to meet a persons’ gaze, turns back to me. With a gentle wave, he looks me in the eye and smiles.
