February 2014

I crumpled onto my bathroom floor wrapping my arms around my legs and sobbing into my knees. Six years of time. Six years of friendship. Six years of experiences, lessons learned, good times and bad, six years with him as a partner...and then he was gone. It was like experiencing the death of a loved one. I couldn't talk to him anymore, no more holidays with his family, his friends, I would even miss his dogs. My future looked completely different now, scary and unknown. I now faced the question I had done my best to avoid for so long, what will my life look like without him?

I was excited for a year of singleness on the World Race, a whole year for myself, devoted to God. We were each given a contract to sign, one of the stipulations was NO RELATIONSHIPS.
Ok, so no guys? No problem! I didn't want the hassle anyways. Doing ministry, making new friends, rediscovering me. Free of the distractions, confusion and insecurities that guys seem to come hand and hand with.
However, God would not let me off the hook that easy. He knew I was only prolonging the real issue here, I didn't trust Him with my heart. I never did.
God had a very important lesson for me to learn.

I've never believed in soul mates, until I came on the World Race.
Now I know what you're thinking..another sappy love story written by an infatuated girl....just hear me out.

As so many women do, I struggle against the fleshly desire to be affirmed by men. Knowing this natural impulse, I have to be constantly aware of my behavior, not to act differently around men I have feelings for. Wanting to be seen as desirable and beautiful I soften my strength, tone down my weirdness and pay close attention to my appearance.

Living boldly and going against what the world tells me women should be is really hard to do...even on the World Race when the women to men ratio is 5:1.

UNTIL I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY SOUL MATE.

Oh man.
He sees me when no one else does. He's sensitive and funny and pretty sassy at times.
He brings out the best in me and I feel a peace, confidence and joy around Him like nothing I've ever experienced.
He's the one who makes me feel complete.
He pursues me HARD.
When my feet fail, He's ALWAYS there to catch me, whether I want him to or not.
He thinks I'm kind, intelligent, beautiful and really really funny. Like HILARIOUS. 
He loves reminding me how much He cares for me, how special He thinks I am.

No I'm not talking about a person. People are broken, they can't fill your holes any more than you can fill theirs. But when you are totally complete God gives us one another in companionship, not as something we deserve or are entitled to, but as a gift to enjoy. To laugh together and cry together, go on adventures and live this beautiful life together.

God didn't create Adam and Eve to fill one another. They were not made with half a soul, just waiting for the other to experience a purposeful life.
They were made totally, wonderfully WHOLE.
And as a bonus, He gave them each other. For companionship, partnership, friendship, family.

But they weren't soul mates.

I met my soul mate on the race. He is all the things I've ever wanted. He's authentic, sensitive and he has a good sense of humor. He also loves me with all of His heart. Not a sinful, broken heart, a perfect, powerful one. I know my worth because the very One who created me, DIED for me so we could be together forever. HE DIED. FOR ME!!

Because I'm His daughter I'm able to love men and fight for them without expecting or needing anything in return.
I've learned how God sees me. I'm not just "a diamond in the rough," I'm a straight up diamond! I'm priceless and worthy and tough as nails.

And so are you.

Stop looking to people to fill your holes and make you happy. It won't work and it won't last. Seek after God with all your heart, HE IS the ultimate source of joy, peace and unconditional love.

Three years later I look back on that girl, sobbing on her bathroom floor. The girl that felt she was incapable of success, comfort and happiness without a guy by her side to make her feel safe.
The girl who lived her life stuck in fear of anything outside her norm and comfort zone.

I would tell her sometimes we need to let go of the things that are weighing us down in order to find out how high we can fly.
I would tell her as long as her heart belonged to God, no human could ever break it.
I would tell her this was the start of a new life. This moment was the turning point that would forever change her for the better.

I would tell her..
she just met her soul mate.