What happens when your perception of home dramatically changes?
This past year my home has been everything from dirty hostels, to beautiful air b&bs, shacks to compounds, a single room to an entire home. My backpack, a tent in the middle of the jungle, the people around me.
As the clock seems to triple in speed our seemingly endless journey is coming to a close sooner than I’m comfortable with. I am suddenly a sporadic whirlwind of emotions, breaking down in tears any time I try to explain what I’m feeling or express to my L squad how much they mean to me.
I try so hard to describe what’s in my heart and end up bursting out “I just love you so much” and then I push the emotions down again so I don’t have to deal with them.
Being completely honest, I feel a lot of anxiety going home. My perception of the world and everything in it has completely changed. I’m afraid I won’t have much in common with my closest friends.
The World Race is often compared to a pressure cooker. You grow exponentially in so many areas and you are stretched, broken, and rebuilt from the ground up. The people around you see your mess, see you as you are. There’s nothing more intimate than being loved when you are at your most vulnerable. There is a connection it creates, a bond that binds you together as you travel from country to country; experiencing sickness, spiritual battle, exhaustion, frustration and so much more together. You are pushed to your limits and when you feel like you can’t go any further for fear of falling off the ledge, you are pushed again..sent flying into the unknown. But you are not alone.
These people came alongside me and supported me through the most challenging, growing, rewarding, fulfilling, life-changing year of my life. How do you go from living every day, EVERY MINUTE with them beside you, to “bye, see ya maybe never…”?!
Honestly, it makes me sick to think about.
I said community would be the hardest part for me on the race because, you know “I’m an introvert and I don’t like people” and all that other fabricated foolishness.
I was right though, it WILL BE the hardest part for me, but not in the way I expected. I’ve grown to love cooking with partners, movie nights along the Amazon river, making popcorn at 1 in the morning for 20 hour bus rides, having all night prayer vigils, being woken up because everyone is laughing at your sleep talking, thinking you will just be praying for people and then SURPRISE, being asked to preach…like NOW, having people call you out on your lies and EVEN getting a knock on the bathroom door as soon as you step in (even though it’s been vacant for the past three hours.)
No that wasn’t the hard part.
The hardest part about community comes at the end…the goodbye.
I’m coming home, and I’m so excited. To flush toilet paper, to drink cranberry juice, to watch whatever I want whenever I want, to run ALONE, to wear shorts, to dry off with a big fluffy towel, to hang out with my friends and family, to share how God has dramatically changed my life for the better.
But I’m also grieving.
I know God will surround me with NEW community, NEW friends, NEW family, new HOME and I continue to trust Him in this process. After all He led me this far, He gave me these incredible people in the first place right?! I know that, but it doesn’t make the feeling of loss any less real.
I’m asking for your help in this process. I’m not the same person I was when I left, don’t expect me to be. Give me grace. Give me patience. Give me love.
Ready or not. I’m coming home.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret… I won’t be home for long. God and I are just getting started. 😉
Emily, You have blossomed open like a flower!! Your ability to share those raw feelings has made you a different (but much more relaxed with yourself) person. God has moved you to grow and what a blessing that is!! To say GOODBYE to your Squad is incorrect… I believe you should say UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!! Love you girl!!
Shkishker!!!! I’m so excited to see you!! I’ll let you in on a little secret though…I’m anxious too. Nervous about how you will see me now after being on this eye opening, life changing journey. You are so incredible and I love you!!
Emily i have tears streaming down my face right now. Not only are you amazing writer but you write from the deepest parts of your heart and you aren’t afraid to show the world that part of you…This is way you are the bravest person I know!!’
Em…. it’s been quite the journey from training camp all the way to final debrief! You are one incredible woman who God has used to bring laughter, joy, and gold in me and my life. We are all built for community and He will continue bringing people into your life at the right time to bring support, life and truth. Keep trusting in Him and being real with Him.
You bring Kingdom everywhere you go and I’m just so proud. Proud of the way you love people and fight for them, the way you live out who you are in gentleness and confidence, and the way you live in relationship with your heavenly Father with incredible intimacy. Just keep living it out, day by day. You got this, but even more, He’s got you. I love you
Wow. Thank you so much momma squanda! I have found so much freedom during this journey and it thrills me to know you can see it, even if it’s just through my writing. Thank you for your heart for this squad. We love you very much!
Oh wow Shelly. Thank you thank you thank you. No worries about that on my end, I love you more and more each day.
Chels. So thankful for you. You have been there for me from the very beginning. Thank you for loving me the way you do, for being interruptible, for your example of gentle, patient and loving leadership. Your mentorship has impacted me more than you will ever know, and I’m excited to bring a little bit of Korea to my next community. 😀
You have been such a blessing and inspiration through your writings. The Lord has done and will continue to do His “immeasurably more” in and through you. Keep me/us posted and on your update list of where you are and what you’re doing. Blessings!
We are thrilled to see you! I cannot wait. I know you did great things and will do more. Can’t wait to hear what is in store! Love you emily , travel safe
Emily,
What a gift of writing God has given you! I will be praying for you and L squad on your re-entry and adjusting to the next chapter in your life. Since this is not our home, it’s just a temporary good bye….. you get to spend eternity with Jesus and L squad. But hoping God will give you more adventures before then.