A Missionary’s Mistakes

Ten days to go and I am wrapping up my 2.5 year journey with the World Race!

What an experience God has lead me on. Starting in the far corners of South America, taking a leap across Europe the Middle East and Asia, and then turning around and traversing Asia again..backwards. It has been quite the tumble in my journey of faith, obedience and further dependency upon the Lord.

The time has come to tell you all about the perfect creation God has cultivated within me and to list the many people I have saved along the way. It must be hundreds by now right?! 

….but actually, no. Not even in the slightest. 

You see, taking an active part in leading trips for over a year has sharpened me into someone who can serve and love people well. As a leader I have to be on my A-game all the time, I need to be above reproach, walking in the Spirit constantly, guiding others into greater freedom by my actions and words. 

Wait….WHAT?!?

Is that really what I think?

The pressure to perform hit me like a blast this last week as my co-leader and I went on a retreat with the two individuals we are training to replace us. Upon arrival to our remote campsite we found a cozy group of tents with a beautiful Muslim family serving all of our needs. Travelers were coming through for meals on their treks through the wilderness and we met three Englishmen who stayed at our campsite for two nights. 

The possibility? To see an entire Kyrgyz family come to know Christ as Savior. To experience Holy Spirit revival, to lead people into an experience with the Father like they’ve never known before.

The reality? Not sharing the Simple Gospel with any of them. Not a single one. “It’s not an appropriate time or setting“ I rationalized, “I don’t want to offend anyone or make them feel uncomfortable.” “I don’t think Holy Spirit is prompting me…”

Oh but we went through the training manuals! I said “God bless you” and “we are praying for you” often to people. I tried my best to communicate to the family God‘s love for them through google translator. I even interceded for the campsite and circled their tents in prayer. That’s good enough, right?

If that is what you think, you are just as mistaken as I was. That‘s not the Great Commission we are called to my friends, it may be a part of it, but not the whole part (Matthew 28:16-20).

You may be thinking, gosh Em you are too hard on yourself. It’s not your job to save people, Holy Spirit will do that and God loves you as you are. 

That’s exactly my point! God loves me more than life itself, He sacrificed EVERYTHING so that I could worship Him in freedom, and I didn’t have the nerve to share His name with a few traveling strangers. This should be easy for me by now!!

Here’s the truth guys. I mess up, frequently. The gifts that I naturally walk in such as mercy, teaching and shepherding I do often and well. Unfortunately, there is still a big one I struggle in, oh yes it’s that daunting word… EVANGELISM. When the opportunity presents itself yes I’m in! When it doesn’t, there’s no way I’m going to change the subject and just start talking about Jesus on my own?! Yikes! It is so scary and unnatural for me and it is something I have often relied on my own knowledge and understanding to do. In other words, it rarely happens (after all I understand so little and know nothing next to God!) 

Here I am before my squad and all of you, broken and inadequate. I am kneeling before my God asking for His heart for people and the courage to break any ways I have conformed to the world (Romans 12:2) when it comes to offering His saving grace. I want to dispel once and for all the grand image I have been able to maintain of me serving the least of these over here and constantly declaring “here I am Lord send me!” Baptizing, discipling and partnering with Holy Spirit to raise up a new generation of believers! Wow!! I’m incredible! 

The reality is that after 2.5 years I have found myself still having so much more to grow in and learn!! My eyes have been opened in stark recognition of the opportunities I squandered and the blessings I chose not to be a part of because I didn’t feel Holy Spirit prompting me. God shouldn’t need to prompt me into doing exactly what He has commissioned, designed and now trained me to do. I have found myself at the end of this long season still sitting in silence and hiding behind the lie that I don‘t know what to say or can’t communicate myself well. NO MORE!! The truth is that God wants me to communicate it in the way that I have grown to understand it, He wants me to share who I know Him to be. 

While camping with this group of people last week the pulsating tension between my heart and my head lead me exactly where I needed to go, into pleading with the Lord to deliver me from any fear of man or voices of the enemy that work to confuse and hinder me. Going to the Lord in prayer, I beseeched Him to reveal what it is that keeps me from fully loving others the way He does. Why do I still feel such a tension to perform in front of people? 

He receives me with gentle tenderness, “you still don’t believe that you are capable of what I’m going to use you for. You don’t believe that I am going to use you as you are to mother a new generation of followers.”

He continues, “you don’t need to put on a show of praying or worshiping, sharing the gospel doesn’t need to be a big production with all the right words. Live life as you are when no one is watching, live as I created you to be. That is the woman I will use to change the world. That is the one I want people to see.” 

The truth is that I wasn’t the example I wanted to be for the future squad leaders we are training this week, not in being bold or courageous or depending on the Lord for words. I do want to be an example of honesty, humility and transparency now. Of someone who knows how incapable they are without Jesus. I will be a voice for all of those who think they need to be something they aren’t in order to please the Lord or the people around them. Will you prayerfully consider the false expectations you are living under and striving to achieve and ask the Lord to break off those chains with His truth!? Those people need YOU. The Lord wants to use YOU. As you are.

In my own understanding of God’s Kingdom, failures don’t exist because failure alludes to an ending. “Oh I didn’t share the Gospel with them, done, fail, end of story.” That is not how God works, rather there is always a continuation of what He is doing. God will continue knocking on the doors of the people’s hearts that we missed. I didn’t share the gospel this time but I will remember what I learned for next time. I will do better, I will teach others and speak openly about my inequities. It is by my weaknesses that God‘s strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)!

How many times in scripture did God use unwilling, uneducated, disobedient people to do works beyond all human comprehension? Moses, David, Peter…and me, Emily. 

There are times when I don’t “feel” like being a follower of Jesus, moments when I doubt myself and my abilities, and even flat out say no! That’s normal, but guess what? That’s no excuse. God’s character reigns more powerful than all of that. He has called me into a position of influence and has asked me to raise up a new generation of believers. I believe in Him, I believe He is good and I will continue learning from every mistake, using them all for His ultimate glory. It is an honor and a privilege to share His Good News with each person I meet. It is a joy to share with them how my best friend pursued me and gently guided me back into His arms of love and mercy. I will wildly dance before Him and show Him the honor and glory He deserves.

Thank you for your patience with me Lord, for your steadfast love and acceptance of me. Forgive me for the moments I choose myself above you and your lost children, please continue bringing people to them who can share your Good News and bring more opportunities to me so that I can keep practicing until it is second nature. Thank you that you don’t demand from me but invite me into more with you. Help me to lead your people into freedom; clarify my thoughts and solidify my steps in your paths of righteousness for your namesake. And above all, help me to be me. The me you created and intended, the me you treasure and teach, the me you have deemed ENOUGH. 

I‘ve been serving as a missionary for over two years and I’m still not great at evangelism. However with hard work, determination, and a LOT of the Lord’s help, I will be.

 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises into his wonderful light.”- 1 Peter 2:9