Do You Trust Me?

Vulnerability. 

It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. It risks the chance of rejection.

(Or so I’ve been told.)

I stand on the deck of our ferry, watching the canoes out on the water. The kids sitting inside them whistle at the boats for food as they pass by. It’s a perfect paradox as I listen to the song “Come To The River” by Housfires.

The lyrics, “Come to the water, all who are thirsty, come and drink” ring in my ear. I watch as indigenous people who are literally hungry come out on the river to receive bags of food, tossed by the crew. They paddle as hard and as fast as they can when a bag is thrown, anxious to be satisfied by its contents.

Isaiah 55:2 “Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare.”

For the past week I’ve been traveling with the girls on my squad (25 total) down the Amazon River from Manaus, Brazil to Iquitos, Peru.

Stuck on a boat for seven days, can be a little…well.. boring. And if you’re thinking of the glamorous cruise ships stocked with every dessert imaginable, swimming pools, casinos and clubs…forget it.

Days are spent swinging back and forth in a hammock, watching the banks of the river crawl by. Meals are typically the same each time; rice, noodles, “meat” (95% fat), and bread. The only relief from the heat is a cold rinse in the small toilet/shower combo that 50 women share.

Needless to say, we’ve had some time to think….

Come to the table all who are hungry, come and feast

Being with the ladies of L Squad was an incredible week of honest conversations, bold challenges and raw vulnerability. The more I learn about them and how God created us as women, the better I understand who He is.

Let me start at the beginning..

God made us in His image, yah? So the more I learn about how I’m designed, the more I learn about Gods’ true character. For example, women have a deep desire to be PURSUED. They long to feel as though someone wants to know them more than anyone else in the world. They want to feel as though someone is fighting for them.

Believe it or not, the God of the universe has that same desire. I mean, He’s God, He doesn’t NEED us…but He wants us more than anything. And more than that, He wants to be wanted…

Those who are weary, those who are needy, come receive. 

While floating down the river highway, my feelings for God have drastically changed.

I’m not really doing anything differently. I still forget to read my bible, I still fall asleep halfway through my prayers at night, I still mess up and hurt people.

But one thing has changed..and this ONE thing has made a world of difference.

No one wants to be used by others for what they can get. Why would God? No woman wants to be asked on a date if it’s followed by “you owe me now”. In the past, my motivations for knowing Him were all wrong. I checked everything off my Christian “to do” list and yet I could never hear him. Never feel Him. Obviously the fault was with God, I was doing everything right!

Right?

Reality check. Although He’s already invited us into a relationship, it does require a little work on our part (as all relationships do) to make it a successful one. I’m suddenly finding that as I draw nearer to Him, as I give myself to Him in total vulnerability (no pretenses or false selfs) He reveals more and more of Himself to me.

I used to pursue God for what I could get. Whether it was for me or for someone else, whether it was as small as passing a test, or as large as a one way ticket to eternity with Him. I didn’t want Him for Him, I only wanted what He could give me. (Ouch)

BUT NOW, I don’t pray whenever I need something. Instead, I talk things through with Him, good and bad, simply because I love talking to Him.

I don’t just open my bible when I want a quick answer, I read as much as I can because I love learning about Him.

I don’t lower my head in embarrassment when people ask me about Jesus, or avoid saying biblical truth because it isn’t “socially acceptable.” Now when people ask me about God, my face lights up with joy and I tell them about the Father I’ve grown to love.

Oh, oh my soul, thirsts for you and you alone

Photo by Chelsea Van Eck

Vulnerability is scary. It’s hard to speak up when you’ve been hurt and society tells you to suck it up and get over it. We are programmed to protect ourselves with walls of cynicism and defense mechanisms. It’s hard to trust people with your heart. 

God is different because He’s already proven Himself trustworthy. He’s already taken the risk and offered Himself to us. Not only has he fought for us, He DIED for us. We don’t need to be on our guard with Him.

While on the river I stopped trying to manipulate Him for what I wanted, and stopped giving Him the guarded, pre-approved version of myself. And when I truly handed Him my transparent heart no strings attached, He opened Himself up to me in return.

God desperately wants to give you the desires of your heart…He’s only hoping that your heart’s desire will be for Him. (Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”)

If you look out across the river, you can see Him on the boat, inviting you to join Him.

So hurry up and climb into your canoe. Paddle like the Amazonians, as fast as you can. Don’t stop after catching one bag of goodies, pull alongside the ferry and take a leap of faith. Jump across the railing and run to Him with all you’ve got. 

He has shown me that vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s strength. It’s freeing. It’s rewarding. It’s beautiful. It’s powerful. It has brought me closer to the people on my squad, to my friends, my family and above all else, My Father.

Vulnerability is worth the risk.

HE is worth the risk.

Please enjoy this glimpse of the river experience that my teammate Raychel put together!