For a year God has slowly been showing me what it means for Him to love us. 

As I grew up, the world shaped my understanding of romantic relationships through the people around me, movies and books. 

All I knew was what I had seen and experienced. It was a skewed view, a shadow of what God intended for us in the original design of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

The process of transforming my mind to the Fathers intent of partnership between two people began in August of 2016, when He stripped me of everything I thought I understood about the world and people and God. Through the World Race He revealed the way I viewed myself and the shackles I chose to be bound by, the fears I was controlled by. He began to rebuild me, molding me into His image and overwhelming me with His heart. 

Medellin, Colombia-August 2016 

In December of 2017, a word from Holy Spirit came into my mind, it was quiet and strong as His voice often sounds to me, distinguishing Him from my own thoughts. “Sarah”, the word rang out clear as a bell, with no clear connection to what I was currently doing, so I stored it in my mind to reconsider at a later time. 

Two months later, I was in Armenia working with a team there. Reading through a book called Redeeming Love, (the modern day story of Hosea). As I read through the story of the woman who insisted on running away from the truest love she would ever know, I felt Him whisper again “you are Sarah.”

Jump to almost a year later, the first week in China (last month). I felt as though I had been disconnected from the Lord, like trying to find Him in a dense fog. I knew He was there somewhere, I just couldn’t see Him as clearly, couldn’t find His hand. His words came to me as though I was underwater, indistinct and confusing. Not only did I feel a void, an emptiness, it felt as though He was disgusted by me, like it was an obligation to love me. This was not God’s character, I recognized the false imitation the enemy was trying to use to trap me, this is not my Papa speaking to me. I knew this month would be hard for how does one love someone when it doesn’t feel like they are loved in return? Or even worse, when it feels as though they are despised in return? Reminding myself of God’s Word, His deep seeded truth in my heart, I made a decision to trust in Him, in His love and everything I know Him to be. 

Moving forward from this revelation into my third week I felt the Lord shifting my heart regarding the feeling of love. How small our concept of love has become. We equate it with that fiery passion and butterfly flutter. It burns brightly, fervently and burns out just as quickly. We fall “madly” in love, without reason or logic, and then move on once the madness fades. God whispers to me gently, “what happens when the feelings fade? Will the truth of my love be enough to sustain you?” 

God has brought me to this place, this place where I can’t feel His love. I’m not giddy or excited, He’s not whooing me or wowing me, but I’m left with the fact that He loves me. If I never feel that love of His again, will His truth be enough for me?  

Beijing, China- April 2019

Yes God. Every day I will seek you. Every day I will pour my heart out to you. I will continue loving others and sharing your heart for them. I want to choose YOU every day, even when I don’t feel like it. 

After all, He chose me all those years ago. Hanging on a cross, every inch of His body writhing and screaming in pain, He chose all of us. He came to a place where our sin weighed so heavy on His spirit, He could no longer feel Gods‘ love with Him. Crying out He said “Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?” 

“My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46 & Mark 15:34)

He couldn’t feel Him any longer....but He chose to trust Him and His promises. In the final moments He declared the truth “it is finished.” (John 19:30) and even though He couldn’t feel God, He cried out in a loud voice “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” He couldn’t sense Him, yet He called Him Father. He knew He was returning to His heavenly home. 

I want to call upon God every day, even the days I can’t feel Him. Even the days I’m angry with Him. Especially those days when I’m lost and confused in this world the enemy uses to distract us, I want to believe His promises for me. 

That is why I will be beginning seminary when I return home in August! My season with the WR is ending, but I want to choose Him and the works He has prepared for me to do, every day for the rest of my life. This video is me officially announcing this decision (and practicing my preaching a little), so sit back and give it a listen!

Thanks for watching!! Included here is my very own gofundme account for this new endeavor! Please prayerfully consider supporting me on this lifelong choice to follow after Gods’ will for my life. Thank you for being such a HUGE part of this journey into greater FREEDOM. The freedom to live in God’s love and who He has called me to be, even when I can’t feel it. 

Thank you Jesus. For sacrificing your life for us so we can enjoy relationship with you. Thank you for what the meaning of Easter truly represents. It is a privilege to serve you in every way I can.

Luke 23:44-47  "It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last. The centurion, seeing what had happened, praised God and said, “Surely this was a righteous man.”